Wednesday, October 6, 2010

twenty year old me

Michael asked me what the twenty year old me would say to me now...let me paint this picture for you. In my 20 something age college years I never slept. I worked hard and played harder, I thought it was a thrill to stay up for 24 or 36 hours regularly, it was an adrenaline rush and after awhile it wasn't even a challenge.

But, now i'm tired...not the sleepy kind of tired where you have worked hard or played hard and can't wait to crawl in bed but the kind of tired you get when you never stop. The kind of tired you get when sitting down isn't stopping because your to do list is running through your head, the baby might wake up, your husband is just about home and your cell phone is ringing and it is hard to ignore. The twenty year old me would say I am a wimp, that I am not being efficient, that I am not playing enough, that I have plenty of hours in the day to get everything done. But, I find myself fighting against the 22 year old who stayed up all night. I have learned that I am emotional and illogical without sleep, I get stressed out easily. So I want to say to that 22 year old, "you were not self aware, you didn't have priorities, you did what was happening in the moment, you were chasing after fun and adventure."

I am trying to find time with Jesus, time with my husband, time for our house, time for friends, time for church, time for family and take care of an 8 week old that is dependant on me constantly. I don't have time to be tired because it makes me an emotional wreck! Yet, time is the thing I am struggling for the most, time that the 22 year old didn't have to pay attention to and I count seconds as if they were worth gold.

I just read all the blogs for March 2009 on Girltalk about the busy season of motherhood. A few encouraging points to remember...

1. "It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.”
For me this is very, very hard. I am black and white, I LOVE schedules, LOVE THEM! I like to know what is coming and be prepared, I value efficiency too much and so when it takes me 45 minutes to do what I used to be able to do in 5 it frustrates me, it makes me feel like a failure when really it should make me feel like a mom.

2. Technology distractions
I started this blog before John was born in hopes that I could share pictures of him, stories of our life and lessons I am learning. I am now learning that I don't have time to blog very often, I don't have ideas to blog about very often because I am so preoccupied. I am finding Facebook to be an irritation because it distracts me too often and without benefit. The tv can be a welcome break during fits of tears or nursing but it can also turn into an hour of wasted time.

3. We need the gospel for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I cannot get by with studying once a day or once a week. This is NOT enough, it isn't enough because I feel lost in a to do list that distracts me from what is important, in my emotions which ebb and flow inconsistently, in new lessons to learn, and the flexible schedule of a child of an inflexible mother.

I can learn from the 22 year old me, I can learn that I can stay up later than I think, that I can find fun and adventure in this new season of life because she could find it anywhere. I am capable of more than I think I am. I wish she could learn from me that she didn't have to do it all because this is a new lesson I am learning and it would have been easier to learn then!

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