Just Say “No”

             I have been there…that place where you say ‘yes’ to everything because you are trying to just survive. You are trying to just survive through breakfast, just survive until naptime, just survive until daddy gets home. I have been there, in that place where staying home all day with kids felt impossible, insurmountable. It felt so hard you couldn’t get out of bed or you did, but you never took off your pajamas. I have been in survivable mode where we turned on a show after each hour because it was a celebration of them eating breakfast, me sweeping one floor or I just needed to nurse the baby without the two-year-old eating the dog food. I didn’t say “no” other than in response to “Can I run through the parking lot?”

            I tried to say “no.” I said “maybe”, I said “not right now”, I said, “I will think about it”. But, those answers were never clear and they just produced children who were still very hopeful that mommy would say “yes” if they kept asking; and she usually did.

            My son recently began asking, “Can I watch a show? Just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’?” I quickly realized he was shutting up all my excuses and reasons. So, I just said “no”. I didn’t give him the whys and whens. He walked away with little reaction and found something else to do! Was this real?

            With the opportunity of screen time removed his imagination is free to come up with other ideas. I have found my kids playing UNO while I cook breakfast, I have heard them playing farm animals while I do the dishes, I have sat down and read (only two pages) while they played trains, I have had the trash taken out and the silverware unloaded from the dishwasher. Tonight, I watched as all three of my kids played Lego together and then my jaw hit the dirty floor I was sweeping when I heard, “May I have that blue Lego please?” “No, I am using it.” Silence…not screaming…not someone taking what they wanted…Silence!

My kids were not taking things out of each other’s hands…shock!

My kids were building their grandfather’s boat out of Lego and putting their family members aboard…hurray!

My kids were working out conflict without me…gasp!

My kids were not watching TV and I was still happy…thankful!

We all need breaks. We need to catch our breath, fold a load of laundry or cry in the kitchen or take a shower! But, so often I allowed screen time because I couldn’t face the tantrums of rejecting their desires. I said “yes” because I was afraid of being overwhelmed, yelled at or exhausted. It was a fear I needed to face.

            I needed to say “no” so that I could find enjoyment in playing with my children. I needed to say it so that I believed I was in control and not that I was run over by my kids all day. I needed to feel powerful by overcoming and surviving the fits that used to happen every time I said denied their request or turned off the TV. I needed to say “no” for me just as much as for them.

            They needed me to remove the possibility. When I did, when I do, they find ways to be creative and inventive. And, yes, sometimes, they find ways to get into trouble which just gives me more practicing at saying this awful and powerful word.

            Saying “no” gave them an opportunity to practice playing together. It gave them time to have a conflict and work it out without me silencing the screaming with tablet time in their own room to get them off each other. I always expected that they would play with each other because they are siblings. That they would know how to resolve conflict because I explain it often or that they would create and invent because there are kids with big imaginations. But, without the time and freedom and removal of other options they will always gravitate towards TV, video games and their tablets. I would too! Sharing our stuff isn’t a natural response, working out a disagreement takes self-control and nothing amazing was ever created without thought in ten minutes.

            So, we work together to find good uses of their time. I give them ideas of ways to play or work they can help me with. I turn off my Ipad while I cook dinner and listen to them play and I find that in trying to say “no” more often, I am actually saying, “yes” to so many more things we didn’t know we wanted!