Tuesday, February 16, 2016
I spend so much time trying to change things, trying to not feel something that really hurts or forgetting to settle into what is truly satisfying. I get distracted or I choose distraction. I don't allow myself the space to reconcile the emotion, to understand the emotion and to communicate the emotion clearly to myself or to others. I think I am not alone. Am I?
I am being challenged in this in many areas of life. Challenged by defining myself as "someone who is not sensitive"...but I am. Challenged in my desire to push away from conflict, to ignore feelings until they disappear, but they don't disappear. They alienate, they lie, they disguise themselves as other feelings and cloud my thinking, my reactions and my beliefs.
So I am asking myself "what if I settle in?". What if I settled into the hard season or the hurt feelings and explored them? What if I finally admitted what reality was like? It would be ugly, it would be vulnerable. It would reveal some of the silly things I do not choose to get over and it would reveal some of the deep hurt I pretend I don't feel. It would reveal what my fears our, what stresses me out and what motivates me. It would show me more deeply who God created me to be and how sin twists truth in my heart and mind.
I don't want to settle into bitterness or self-protection. I think that is what happens if there is no exploration of our emotions. I want to settle into God and the life of today and what truth says to us. I want to let that truth change my future reactions and emotions.
This seems logical, the idea of understanding ones emotions. In reality, though, it is messy and painful and requires vulnerability. It requires a settling into God, into the mess as opposed to a pushing away from awkwardness and discomfort.
But, rest is found in truth. rest is found in authentic friendships, humility and honest interactions. To just be takes effort and work but it is work that brings with it great rest and great community and great knowledge of who I am in relation to God.
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