Learning to Sing Life to our Children

I wouldn’t allow him to have four bowls of cereal for breakfast. Riding his bike in underwear was against the rules and coloring with Sharpies on his grandmother’s Pottery Barn couch was out of the question. In an attempt to ignore the yelling and having a stuffed animal thrown at my face, I was buried in Instagram. Surely enough scrolling would make me numb to the name-calling. My five-year-old was furious at me. He threw a Costco-sized glass grinder of Pink Himalayan Salt on the kitchen floor. Shocked that it shattered, he ran upstairs crying "I'm stupid. No one likes me." 

 

Being screamed at by my children was becoming an hourly battle. “How does that make you feel?” my mom asked me over the phone as the tears rolled down my cheeks. Their reactions revealed a thunderous roar of my own fears that I had been trying to ignore. The story I had been telling myself was: “I never get anything right. They are angry at everything I do. I messed this entire motherhood thing up.” Ignoring the arguing and tantrums had not made my fears go away. Ignoring those fears was a weak battle strategy.

  

The tricky thing about lies is that they don’t tell the opposite of the truth, they tell partial truths and leave out the hope. Lies confuse us and paralyze us. They tell me that: I need to be successful with a marketable skill, my life should be more exciting, no one wants to spend time with me, being a stay-at-home isn’t changing the world. I follow too many people on Instagram that reinforce those fears- I am not enough and I never will be. It is destructive. I’m grasping for identity. Being defined as mom; writer; cook; loud-laugher or Crossfitter doesn't feed my soul. They are titles that I put my identity in thinking it will make me feel safe and known; but when I am unable to meet those expectations it makes me feel like a failure. Teaching my kids to speak life starts with me speaking it to myself. It is a fact that I am incapable of being perfect. But, the lies leave out that truth that God doesn’t require me to be perfect in anything that I do! His truth says children are a gift; caring for my family and community has value; and my purpose is for His glory not my own. Speaking specific truths to lies will defeat them over time.

Lies are more obvious when I hear them come out of my kids' mouths than when they are in my own head. My son had never been told those things he declared while running up the stairs. It is the story he tells himself. In moments of fear and shame he believes as the youngest that he is lesser than his siblings, and when he makes a mistake he thinks he is not worth loving because they would never act that way. It was so easy for me to follow him, wrap him in my arms and exclaim, “You are not stupid and I love you.” Kids need to know who they are and how much they are loved. Lies speak to their heart making them forget. They go searching for it on social media creating YouTube Channels and Twitch sites to gain followers that make them feel accepted. Peer groups give them an identity. These answers don’t always speak life to them. It isn’t the job of social media or Instagram algorithms to define who our children are. They were not born to be Influencers. Before we can speak life to our children we have to know what lies they hear about who they are so we know how to enter the spiritual battle with them and fight for them.

My daughter is fierce, strong, and doesn't give up easily. I have been noticing that when she is disciplined or told she did something wrong she tears up but stands her ground. She has a loud, strong-willed voice in her head telling her that to be valued she needs to impress others. She has a fear of failing that drives her to perseverance and lying. The story she tells herself is that between her two wild brothers she has to be the easy one who does everything correct because when she does we approve of her. As she laid in bed sobbing over a mistake she lied about to cover it up I snuggled up next to her and pulled her close. It was easy for me to be annoyed about going to bed too late. It was logical to think she just needed sleep and she would get over it. But, fighting is active, it is the opposite of ignoring. It is an action that requires us to participate. 

So curled up next to her pulling the soft pink blanket over us both. Pressing my face near hers I told her how her name means "light". I listed ways she spreads joy when I am sad or worried and how her holding my hand and always dancing around the room makes me smile. I reminded her that God says while you were still sinners Christ died for you. He says He loves us, that we are His children. She rolled over to face me and whispered "I don't feel like anyone loves me." I smiled, "That is the battle inside your heart" I told her, continuing to whisper the truth that she is strong and loved and not expected to be perfect. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10 ESV). Lies will battle in the face of truth. It is their job to tear us down and those powers do not give up easily but, neither do we moms!

When we name the fears and the lies we hear and then speak truth they lose their power. The words of our mouths can tear down or build up. Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (ESV) That is what Christ did when He came-He brought grace and life so that we can actively fight against the lies we believe with truth; to bring life to ourselves and our children and our world. “He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death” (Psalm 107:14 ESV). Lies creep into the stressful and tired moments, to the busy schedules and the vast array of Enneagram numbers living under one roof. Comparison, Satan and other voices do a powerful job of defeating us. 

My favorite way to speak truth and life to myself and teach my kids is through songs. My children have spent time memorizing Bible verses, reading every page of the Jesus Storybook Bible (which we love!) but, songs are easier to learn and more fun to repeat. Music lyrics bring their emotions to life and give them words to describe what they don’t always understand. Those emotions reveal the secret places of hurt that we try to hide and where we need to loudly preach light and life. Our family sings bedtime songs together. Hearing my kids sing along has been the sweetest proof that there is truth written on their heart.

We can memorize anything when sung to a tune. The first note of a song plays over the speakers and we know exactly that it is the song we danced to at Junior year Homecoming or our first dance at our wedding reception. Songs have a way of lifting our spirits and lassoing our hearts. It is the reason we all raise our fist and sing “I am not throwing away my shot” with Lin-Manuel Miranda, or belt out to the Greatest Showman in agreement, “I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be, this is me!”

It is not true that “sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt you.” Words can destroy you, they can belittle you, define you, keep you up at night and cause you to regret. Words can also make us feel on top of the world, they can give us confidence, strength, belonging and identity. When my kids wonder who they are I don’t want them to look any further than God and our family until they know the difference between truth and lies because the wrong answers are defeating, deafening and demeaning.

So, I sing songs to define theological words like call, redemption, salvation, and sanctification. I sing songs that remind my kids and myself they are a work in progress; God is not finished with them yet. I sing the Fruit of the Spirit over them praying throughout that God gives them the power of those gifts. On the hardest days the simplicity of “Jesus loves me” is enough! I want to fill my children full of truth that seeps into their heart and mind.  The lies tell them they will always get it wrong. Their peers exclude them. Siblings are selfish. Mommy lacks patience. Speaking life creates an armor of truth around them that gives them a correct view of their identity so they know that they are loved, not for what they produce, but for who loved them first.