Truth for the Trenches

My husband climbs into bed at night having to dust the fruit loop crumbs off the sheets. He doesn’t like it. I wipe them out of my side knowing why they were there---it was easier. Easier to not say “no” Easier to not fight with kids about where we eat food and where we don’t Easier to go to the bathroom alone and let them do what they want. Easier to not engage. But, I keep questioning, “Is my husband right?” I don’t like crumbs in the bed either. I often ignore what I like and give in to make it feel easy. I confuse resilience, the ability to withstand or recover quickly from a difficult situation, with being laid back. I think I am withstanding the toddler years because I am not entering the battle with them over e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g they do. I think I recover quickly because a Diet Coke or a cookie later and my mood has changed. Looking back on those years with three little ones, four-years-old and under I actually think it was survival. That is how we i...

We desire forgiveness, we desire to be known, to be loved for who we are. To have the freedom to eat ice cream in our swim suits with our wide thighs and bellies and a huge smile and not be judged. We long to have the acceptance of inviting someone over for dinner and it be leftovers. We want people that we can call on the phone sobbing hysterically and their response be, “I’m on my way over”. But, we hide. We strive for perfection and efficiency. We cry in our pillows silently. We clean the house before guests arrive not in an effort to show hospitality but to reveal: how great a housekeeper we are, how efficiently we can care for our children, tidy our home and cook a great meal all at once. We put on masks that protect us from revealing our weakness. We change who we are around different people because we long to be worthy, approved of, loved and accepted.     When we don’t reveal our shortcomings, when we hide our weakness, and cover up our failures we keep oursel...

The alarm dings at 5:30 a.m. in our house. It is quiet. I don’t have to rush out the door to an office. The kids are sleeping. No one is pulling on me yet. I am able to think about the day, listen to God, exercise, throw in laundry or take a shower uninterrupted. The kids slowly come running in or dragging blankets down the stairs and the day has begun but, I still have control. The day is only about my family so far. Breakfast, books, coffee, switching that aforementioned load of laundry. I don’t mind my family’s noise, the mess (usually), the needs, the wants. But, when my phone starts ringing and beeping; when there are messages to return; outside people’s expectations to meet; appointments to get to on time I start to feel the stress rising. My kids all of suddenly are now in the way. This is the opposite of how I want to see them. It is not the demands on my family within the walls of my house that I can’t handle (well, on good days). It is the outside requirements ...